Domestic Violence Awareness
Why She Didn't Leave Is the Wrong Question
The question assumes a door. Most of the work of abuse is spent removing doors, one at a time, before anyone thinks to look for one.
It is asked kindly more often than it is asked cruelly, which somehow makes it worse. Why didn't she leave. The question sounds like curiosity and functions like a verdict.
01
What leaving requires
Money that cannot be traced or frozen. Somewhere to sleep that is not known. Transportation. Childcare. Documentation. Legal help. A plan for the most dangerous period, which is the weeks immediately after leaving, not the years before it.
Better questions: what would it have taken? Who could have helped? What did we all miss?
02
The better questions
Those questions produce action. The original question produces only shame, and shame has never helped a single person get out of anything.
If you want to be useful to someone in this situation, do not ask them to explain themselves. Ask what would make the next week easier, and then do that thing without commentary.
About Stephanie
Stephanie J. Bond
CPA, keynote speaker, survivor-leader, and advocate. She writes here between engagements about resilience, financial recovery, leadership, and faith.
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Breaking Financial Silence
Financial abuse, financial vulnerability, and the path back to agency.
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